ghosts.

Life is Good

If life is in Paris.



-February 20th, 2010

It's soooooo soon!!!

The Big Blue Button.

Today I was taken to the ADHD clinic. It basically proved that I didn't have to go. They basically told me for the 1000th time that I should stop trying to pretend I have a mental disability and I just gave them the same look. I didn't cry, and I didn't point my fingers, or yell, or run away screaming, instead I sat there and humored them and pressed their Big Blue Button. I didn't tell them that I was taken there against my will, not that I protested. I never protest, if I did it would be in a very disrespectful way, and that isn't what my parents deserve (they are trying to help), even if they are telling me that I am a failure. Even if they are telling me that it isn't my fault I'm dumb, it is my brain's. Even if I know that isn't true. This is at least the 5th time I have been through this, and this is at least the 5th time a whole board of "experts" have told my parents that I am "just perfectly normal" "doing exceedingly well" "average". Then why is this the only time they are going to except it, no wait, they aren't they aren't excepting it, they are just giving up. Thank God. I could not take one more person I don't know telling me about me, I could not face another board of strangers and having to tell them why I am wrong in the head.
On the way home I said to my mom. "I knew this was going to happen, it was pointless to go." She said "It wasn't pointless" she said, slightly joking "It let us know that you are perfect." I said angry and joking at the same time "What if I already knew?!" She said cheerily "Well, then it was a confidence boost!" I said "I don't see why we went." She said we HAD to." I thought: HAD TO? what does that mean? Why did we have to? I could have told her that this accommodation wasn't going to happen. I hated going through this, and I hated that the doctors all believed it was me asking for help, when I never thought about it, ever. Thank God it is Over.


Some of the prettiest words:
silhouette
mystery
seventeen

each one a little more than he could dare to try

have you ever imagined someone that you are going to meet in the future? like if you are going to a new place you think of the possible friends you might make, and the possible more than friends you might meet.
have you ever had a dream with someone in it who you have known forever, but when you wake up you realize you have never met such a person they just exist in your dreams. have you ever seen someone and mentally noted that you are going to be friends one day. has one of your predictions ever come true?

have you ever wondered if you were someone's prediction, dream, or even perfect person that they have been looking for all their life? i have, just now.

solitude.

Sometimes I can't wait to live alone.

I can watch the shittiest shows and no one will judge me.

I can eat whatever, whenever.

I can clean up my way.

My whole house will be decorated by me.

I can sleep in a nest every night.

I get to sing in the shower. I can blast music and dance along.

If I ever live alone it will probably be the only time I would consider owning a treadmill.

I could have friends over. I could throw really dumb parties to celebrate stupid things, like getting a discount on cheese.

I can have a dog. I can have a Great Dane.
He can protect me in case I make a stupid decision and watch a scary movie.

Sometimes I think living alone would be really scary.

I would probably get really fat. or really skinny.

I would have to lock my door 1 million times with one million locks.

I should probably live in an apartment just so I am not totally alone.