1. Last night was fun, just goofing around being friends.
I'm gonna sum it up for the kids watching at home who are a little clueless.
chatroulette
creeps and naked guys
ukulele
those two girls
that guy with the beard
2009 glasses
harmonica
the other nick jonas
our third wife
yeah..it was amusing.
2. For the past week or so my dreams have had some kind of consistency, they all have to do with gymnastics at Archbold with Lillie, Miriam, and Mr. Austin. I am never able to/or given a chance to do a backtuck. That part is pretty explanatory, I am scared about my backtuck, okay, great. All of my dreams have people who I have not seen in a while or are never in my dreams. Like Natanya, Louis, Lilly Schaber, Alyssa, Tamara, Monica, Wednesday, I dunno people just keep showing up, which is weird because I rarely dream about people I actually know. Lastly, is that in every dream I am either sick, too weak to function, or fainting. The only reason it intrigues me is because it is the same dream every night, with only minor changes. Freaky? Cool?
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Art the Savior.
I think I am a little bit afraid of "the real world." No, I am very afraid of it, but mostly I am afraid that one day I will use that term to describe how I am living. That would be awful.
I am afraid of artists. All my life I have been surrounded by either proud parents or generally ignorant students. By generally ignorant I mean, ignorant of art and all the art that is out there.
I feel like once I leave I may find my place among the creative minds, but I fear that I will become jealous and intimidated by them. I think the only time I have faced a true challenge of my ability was when I shared classes with Christian Green. I think he is a funny, and probably nice person, but I secretly despise him because people believe that he is a better artist than me. That isn't how art is judged, it is all a matter of opinion, not better or worse. That might be one of the reason I like it so much, competition has never intrigued me and there is no competition required to be considered a good artist.
Anyway, I really want to finish this project scrap journal thing before college so that way I will at least have something to show. All of my art so far has been created frivolously, but if I make this book it will show that I can commit to a project as well. Plus I think it will be super cool.
I am afraid of artists. All my life I have been surrounded by either proud parents or generally ignorant students. By generally ignorant I mean, ignorant of art and all the art that is out there.
I feel like once I leave I may find my place among the creative minds, but I fear that I will become jealous and intimidated by them. I think the only time I have faced a true challenge of my ability was when I shared classes with Christian Green. I think he is a funny, and probably nice person, but I secretly despise him because people believe that he is a better artist than me. That isn't how art is judged, it is all a matter of opinion, not better or worse. That might be one of the reason I like it so much, competition has never intrigued me and there is no competition required to be considered a good artist.
Anyway, I really want to finish this project scrap journal thing before college so that way I will at least have something to show. All of my art so far has been created frivolously, but if I make this book it will show that I can commit to a project as well. Plus I think it will be super cool.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Spring Time in December?
Today it feels like spring. I love spring and I am kind of mad at myself for loving it so much because I want it to snow so badly. Today, even though I have not put one foot outside, was a spring day, the only thing that is unlike spring is the sun. It is still weak and creates shadows that engulf the entire backyard. Longer days make people so much happier, and so does being outside.
If Dino were here I would have taken him for a walk today, a nice long walk in the park. I forgot he was gone for a moment and opened my mouth to yell his name, but I remembered that he wasn't here before I made any noise. Then I suggested that my dad should borrow Holly, the Schaber's dog and take him for a walk. He didn't really listen to my suggestion.
For about two hours this morning I lay in bed with my window open and every time the wind blew a breeze past my head I would inhale deeply. The air tasted so sweet, it was a shame to have to depart with it after every exhale. The sun did not leak into my room, or enter my room with any sort of presence this morning, so if I had not looked outside I would not have seen that the sky was clear. I also would not have seen my neighbor, Jose gardening without a shirt. He is a wonder at making plants grow, he saved our peach tree. Anyway I saw Jose shirtless and that is exactly the reason I opened my window as wide as it could go, I figured it must be in the 50's, in fact it was only mid 40's, but that was still perfect for breathing.
***********************************
I am so excited for this upcoming year, I am going to Paris and I am going on an Archeological dig in Southern Italy. I really hope it happens, it seems like such a dream come true, but it also seems so untouchable. Sometimes I worry about it, I am going to be all alone with a group of mostly men much older then me who speak a language I have almost completely forgotten. My mom usually reminds me that it won't actually be that exact situation, women are there too, and most of the people on the dig speak English. Also my family will probably staying several train rides away in our country home in Northern Italy. Originally I thought this was going to be my first big adventure alone, but I guess not, I will probably be riding in a plan with my family as usual and my cousin might even come back to dig with me, which is great, but he is a very charismatic person and will ruin any chance I had at a true experience. If he doesn't come my parents might force my brother to go, which will be just as bad. JP wants to come too, and my mom said he could, if he paid travel fees, but that wouldn't work either. I want to do this on my own, it is scary to do it by myself, but I need to do it that way.
Then there is Paris, in my more immediate future, which is also more of a promise. We have the tickets and my parents loaded us (my brother and me) with maps, brochures, phrase books, catalogs, etc. all about Paris since that is our big Christmas/Hannukah/Birthday present. We will not be stepping onto foreign soil unprepared. I personally am preparing myself in subtle, but important ways including :
wardrobe (even though I am sure I will get a new one when I am there)
improvements in painting and sketching
watching and reading all of my favorite movies and books having to do with Paris
food, learning about French foods
Anyway, last year was my stupid year and I do believe I lived up to the title, and this year shall be my eye opening year. The one where I become, a better person; better educated, better dressed, more mature, and truly start my journey to becoming a woman. Of course I am not giving up childhood I am just returning back to my former inquisitive and thoughtful nature, that had people believing I was wise beyond my years. This nature probably developed from my constant travel and parties with adults.
Well this is an extremely long post, but I have just had the greatest feeling these past couple days, weeks even, and everything seems to be right, and I feel ready to forget this silly mentally I had. Everything is just so good, or it will be. I can feel it.
If Dino were here I would have taken him for a walk today, a nice long walk in the park. I forgot he was gone for a moment and opened my mouth to yell his name, but I remembered that he wasn't here before I made any noise. Then I suggested that my dad should borrow Holly, the Schaber's dog and take him for a walk. He didn't really listen to my suggestion.
For about two hours this morning I lay in bed with my window open and every time the wind blew a breeze past my head I would inhale deeply. The air tasted so sweet, it was a shame to have to depart with it after every exhale. The sun did not leak into my room, or enter my room with any sort of presence this morning, so if I had not looked outside I would not have seen that the sky was clear. I also would not have seen my neighbor, Jose gardening without a shirt. He is a wonder at making plants grow, he saved our peach tree. Anyway I saw Jose shirtless and that is exactly the reason I opened my window as wide as it could go, I figured it must be in the 50's, in fact it was only mid 40's, but that was still perfect for breathing.
***********************************
I am so excited for this upcoming year, I am going to Paris and I am going on an Archeological dig in Southern Italy. I really hope it happens, it seems like such a dream come true, but it also seems so untouchable. Sometimes I worry about it, I am going to be all alone with a group of mostly men much older then me who speak a language I have almost completely forgotten. My mom usually reminds me that it won't actually be that exact situation, women are there too, and most of the people on the dig speak English. Also my family will probably staying several train rides away in our country home in Northern Italy. Originally I thought this was going to be my first big adventure alone, but I guess not, I will probably be riding in a plan with my family as usual and my cousin might even come back to dig with me, which is great, but he is a very charismatic person and will ruin any chance I had at a true experience. If he doesn't come my parents might force my brother to go, which will be just as bad. JP wants to come too, and my mom said he could, if he paid travel fees, but that wouldn't work either. I want to do this on my own, it is scary to do it by myself, but I need to do it that way.
Then there is Paris, in my more immediate future, which is also more of a promise. We have the tickets and my parents loaded us (my brother and me) with maps, brochures, phrase books, catalogs, etc. all about Paris since that is our big Christmas/Hannukah/Birthday present. We will not be stepping onto foreign soil unprepared. I personally am preparing myself in subtle, but important ways including :
wardrobe (even though I am sure I will get a new one when I am there)
improvements in painting and sketching
watching and reading all of my favorite movies and books having to do with Paris
food, learning about French foods
Anyway, last year was my stupid year and I do believe I lived up to the title, and this year shall be my eye opening year. The one where I become, a better person; better educated, better dressed, more mature, and truly start my journey to becoming a woman. Of course I am not giving up childhood I am just returning back to my former inquisitive and thoughtful nature, that had people believing I was wise beyond my years. This nature probably developed from my constant travel and parties with adults.
Well this is an extremely long post, but I have just had the greatest feeling these past couple days, weeks even, and everything seems to be right, and I feel ready to forget this silly mentally I had. Everything is just so good, or it will be. I can feel it.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Last Christmas
i love Christmas, the only problem is the money and shopping issues, otherwise it is a wonderful thing to experience.
i love Christmas carols and jingles, some of my favorites are Last Christmas, and Carol of the Bells.
i love giving people things, i love knowing what to give them, and i love twinkly lights, and fires and hot chocolate, cozy-ness, decorations, snow, and cheesey christmas specials that only come on once a year. if i am ever super sad, like beyond repair, somone should just come over with a box of christmas movies, songs, hot chocolate, blankets, lights, and ornaments. If they did i think i would love them forever and never ever be sad again. Even though i am so stressed, i still love the holidays. i love the eighth night of Hannukah, when all of the lights are lit in the window, for everyone to see.
This may sound weird, but i can't wait for that one Christmas when everyone is broke, so friends gather and get creative. Maybe our tree would be the one that grows in our backyard, or maybe it would be made of cardboard. Maybe we would only be able to recycle gifts, or just tell each other what we would have got them if we had more money. i think those moments are so beautiful.
Tonight was the concert, and i did not do well, and i guess i showed too much leg, but it was kinda nice to feel so tall and sexy. Haha. i love the sound of the cello and i really wish i could play Blondie (my old cello), he is such a beautiful instrument.
Mr. Austin told me that he thought i kicked ass yesterday and i deserved more credit, which was really nice. i'm glad at least someone liked it.
Right now i am listening to Last Christmas on repeat (the Glee version of course) and so i think i will just end this post. Merry Holiday season.
i love Christmas carols and jingles, some of my favorites are Last Christmas, and Carol of the Bells.
i love giving people things, i love knowing what to give them, and i love twinkly lights, and fires and hot chocolate, cozy-ness, decorations, snow, and cheesey christmas specials that only come on once a year. if i am ever super sad, like beyond repair, somone should just come over with a box of christmas movies, songs, hot chocolate, blankets, lights, and ornaments. If they did i think i would love them forever and never ever be sad again. Even though i am so stressed, i still love the holidays. i love the eighth night of Hannukah, when all of the lights are lit in the window, for everyone to see.
This may sound weird, but i can't wait for that one Christmas when everyone is broke, so friends gather and get creative. Maybe our tree would be the one that grows in our backyard, or maybe it would be made of cardboard. Maybe we would only be able to recycle gifts, or just tell each other what we would have got them if we had more money. i think those moments are so beautiful.
Tonight was the concert, and i did not do well, and i guess i showed too much leg, but it was kinda nice to feel so tall and sexy. Haha. i love the sound of the cello and i really wish i could play Blondie (my old cello), he is such a beautiful instrument.
Mr. Austin told me that he thought i kicked ass yesterday and i deserved more credit, which was really nice. i'm glad at least someone liked it.
Right now i am listening to Last Christmas on repeat (the Glee version of course) and so i think i will just end this post. Merry Holiday season.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Shakespeare Competition.
That was tonight. i don't even know why i cared so much, i think it is the only time i have actually become really cocky about my acting, of course i wasn't showing that i was cocky (hope not at least), but i know i was cocky because i was actually upset when i didn't win anything. i kinda thought i would, even though i didn't do that well tonight. Then when i went for comments it just got worse, and i am pretty sure the judges just hated me as a person because they could tell i was cocky, but i swear it was only today and i will never do it again because it screws me up and i don't deserve it, people don't deserve having to put up with it.
The winners deserved it, and the freshmen stepped it up about 100 points today. A lot of people improved from Friday's rehearsal, it was a bit intimidating.
Fortunately i haven't put much of the blame on anyone, but me, like i did at first for like a minute, but really it was all me. So i just have to remember no blaming or sneering, or sticking out tongues or anything. I really have no fucking idea why i cared about this, i didn't at first.
Anyway when i got home i painted this ugly little thing, but i kinda like it. i still need to work on my painting skills although i think they are getting much better, my mother has no comment, which probably means nothing i have made is portfolio worthy yet.
It would be so nice to dive onto my bed and shelter myself in a conch of warmth and fuzziness. I could cry until my my troubles were forgotten and then dream until death. That would be nice right about now, but i got work to do and life to live.
The winners deserved it, and the freshmen stepped it up about 100 points today. A lot of people improved from Friday's rehearsal, it was a bit intimidating.
Fortunately i haven't put much of the blame on anyone, but me, like i did at first for like a minute, but really it was all me. So i just have to remember no blaming or sneering, or sticking out tongues or anything. I really have no fucking idea why i cared about this, i didn't at first.
Anyway when i got home i painted this ugly little thing, but i kinda like it. i still need to work on my painting skills although i think they are getting much better, my mother has no comment, which probably means nothing i have made is portfolio worthy yet.
It would be so nice to dive onto my bed and shelter myself in a conch of warmth and fuzziness. I could cry until my my troubles were forgotten and then dream until death. That would be nice right about now, but i got work to do and life to live.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
The Cutest Thing Ever!
Today we went to see Lights on the Lake and we listened to Christmas music.
Towards the end the car in front of us pulled over next to a sign that said "Mary Kaye will you marry me?" We looked back and saw the guy in the front seat turn to the girl in the passenger seat and show her a box. I really hope she said yes, and I really hope they can be happy together for a long time.
It made my night.
Towards the end the car in front of us pulled over next to a sign that said "Mary Kaye will you marry me?" We looked back and saw the guy in the front seat turn to the girl in the passenger seat and show her a box. I really hope she said yes, and I really hope they can be happy together for a long time.
It made my night.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
time for something new?
So i decided my blog is friggin obnoxious, like when it is coded and stuff, that is just stupid. So i am changing the tone of my blog and making it more trivial, obvious, interesting, or whatever. Maybe i will just start making shit up, that would be more interesting.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I Love Gymnastics.
Why did I quit? It is the best sport ever, and I am so happy when I do it.
I love it more than anything, and I don't want to dive, or cheer, or draw, or think, or work, I want to do gymnastics. I want to get my backtuck, and kip and maybe do some vault?
It is just the greatest feeling in the world, I feel so strong and able. I am so powerful. I feel so healthy and my body is begging for more. More tumbling. More, more, more.
I want to quit everything for gymnastics;
I want a coach who is nice, but actually pushes me, and teaches me to do things. Sherri was great, but she just kinda had us go for things without thinking, which got me into bad habits. Mr. Austin is a good coach. I want to work harder, longer, better.
Backtuck, backtuck, backtuck, better, higher, faster, again again again. I want to do it until my limbs are jelly.
When I came home all I wanted to do was work on strength and flexibility. I want to get better, rather than stay a level five gymnast all my life. I will do it, I want to do it so bad.
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Good Times
Kathleen has been mentioning them a lot. They really were the good times, there hasn't been a better time since I was about 8, except at camp, but for some reason I can't look back and remember how good camp was, even though I remember that it was good.
But the Good Times, those months, those are the things I am going to tell my children and grandchildren about. When they picture them they will think of afternoon sunshine, summertime, late nights, twinkly lights, and guitar music. Of course I will leave out a few details, but I just miss when everything was alright.
Like that time we all skipped school on one of the last days and made french toast and played video games and such.
Or those times when we would just walk back and forth between houses, someone was always playing guitar, and we would pick kids up and leave them as we walked and we would walk until dark. Then we would sit on front porches, or watch a movie, we never wanted to go home.
Remember that time when Thundercat, Thom, and Ray went to get us frosties, and we came up with cat related names for all of them, themes songs, etc. Remember how we couldn't remember which car belonged to Thom. Remember how when they got there we just sat around and enjoyed ourselves.
Or when we would bike to the quarry, or the radio tower.
I just miss how the days were longer, and friendships were stronger. I miss how when it gets dark you remember that you have been sweating all day and your fingertips are dirty and now that the sun has set you are just enjoying the fact that you don't stick to your chair and you don't even care about the mosquitoes. I miss how it was okay to be a kid, and I miss how you didn't have to worry about things.
Summer is just a better time for living.
But the Good Times, those months, those are the things I am going to tell my children and grandchildren about. When they picture them they will think of afternoon sunshine, summertime, late nights, twinkly lights, and guitar music. Of course I will leave out a few details, but I just miss when everything was alright.
Like that time we all skipped school on one of the last days and made french toast and played video games and such.
Or those times when we would just walk back and forth between houses, someone was always playing guitar, and we would pick kids up and leave them as we walked and we would walk until dark. Then we would sit on front porches, or watch a movie, we never wanted to go home.
Remember that time when Thundercat, Thom, and Ray went to get us frosties, and we came up with cat related names for all of them, themes songs, etc. Remember how we couldn't remember which car belonged to Thom. Remember how when they got there we just sat around and enjoyed ourselves.
Or when we would bike to the quarry, or the radio tower.
I just miss how the days were longer, and friendships were stronger. I miss how when it gets dark you remember that you have been sweating all day and your fingertips are dirty and now that the sun has set you are just enjoying the fact that you don't stick to your chair and you don't even care about the mosquitoes. I miss how it was okay to be a kid, and I miss how you didn't have to worry about things.
Summer is just a better time for living.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The Solar System and the Stars.
If you unpieced my room in the correct order my whole life would be revealed.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
addiction
i am addicted to doing things.
i cannot stop. Can't stop.
i don't want to talk.
To you.
or anyone. out of context.
but then i am alone
and i don't know what to say
flip the screen
tap tap tap.
can't help it, can't stop.
What do i do? Why do i do?
must i
yes i must.
must
must
lust
trust
is lost
i cannot comprehend
because you cannot comprehend
so i do not know why
i do so much. but i feel better than ever
and i want to do more
more more
everything
and i can do it
do it all
i am so far
just not sleeping
but sleep is for
the dead
oh oh dear
i see it now
i know why
why my mom looks at me that way
i see it now
but it does not feel true
how could it be
but it is
it so is
so soon
but i will not get help
because he said so
he said we are broke
and i know we are
so no help
even if i want it
even if you want it
no
no.
i cannot stop. Can't stop.
i don't want to talk.
To you.
or anyone. out of context.
but then i am alone
and i don't know what to say
flip the screen
tap tap tap.
can't help it, can't stop.
What do i do? Why do i do?
must i
yes i must.
must
must
lust
trust
is lost
i cannot comprehend
because you cannot comprehend
so i do not know why
i do so much. but i feel better than ever
and i want to do more
more more
everything
and i can do it
do it all
i am so far
just not sleeping
but sleep is for
the dead
oh oh dear
i see it now
i know why
why my mom looks at me that way
i see it now
but it does not feel true
how could it be
but it is
it so is
so soon
but i will not get help
because he said so
he said we are broke
and i know we are
so no help
even if i want it
even if you want it
no
no.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I TOOK A PICTURE WITH PHIL DICKEY!
So this weekend was bananas, and yes when i spelled bananas i sang the Gwen Stefani song so i could spell it right.yeah, i know, im not fucking stupid, so dont try to hide it, i kinda wish you would have let me know, the way i let you know. but whatever.
Let us start with Friday even though all i really wanna talk about is tonight, but we are gonna go in order of occurrence, so Friday:and if anything happened before it could have i would rather you tell me than let me find out.
After school i was to go to archbold and practice back handsprings with Mr. Austin, i came to late and missed him, but at least i knew where the gymnastics room was. Later, i went back with Lillie and Miriam, even though it was secretly about to close i got to do some back handsprings. i was afraid at first, it felt like i forgot how, but Miriam did one, so i just went for it and it was so easy and satisfying. They have a really nice floor at archbold, and we are gonna practice there a lot more, i cannot explain how much i missed doing gymnastics and how good it felt to do it again. Anyway after that i caught Lillie and Miriam up on my life in the past 3 months because they missed it.
They tried to catch me up on theirs, but there wasn't to much to be said i guess. We hung out, and unfortunately my laughing switch wasn't turned on as soon as i got there, which i thought it would be, i thought they out of all people could cheer me up, but i was only so content. Still, it was fun and it was great to see them, i feel like i am getting my life back and i am able to see people again and i am so happy they are willing to see me, even though it is almost like we forgot about each other for a couple months, even though it wasn't forgetting it was never having time.
i didn't care when they would like other people or when they cheated on me, but since it has happen time after time, i dont know what to think. am i not worth it?
Okay, lets move onto Saturday because that was too long.
Saturday: I was gonna wake up at nine, but i did not, instead i woke up at 11 and got all my science done before going to see Grace in the nutcracker. This is when i told my mom we were no longer dated, her comment? "Oh, that was fast" then about ten minutes later "Ray is stupid." I died laughing. The performance was really well done, and i saw one million girls in Christmas dresses during intermission, a tradition i unfortunatly missed out on.it doesn't feel like i am ever worth anything to anyone. i just feel like an option, everytime i am an option, "if i had something better i would take it, but i dont so i suppose you will do"
Okay right after nutcracker i was to go meet Patrice, and others at Hannah Koenneke's (which is spelled similar to that) house. I had some trouble contacting Patsy and ended up calling every Koenneke in the phonebook, but i got there and her house was really nice along with her family, hair, clothes, etc. We had the most delicious dinner and i dont think i will ever be able to eat pasta again my standards are set so high (i had truffle butter, which tasted like heaven). We then went to the dance, it was fun; i actually danced and felt kinda pretty, which made things okay. Hannah is awesome and we might be secret twins or something, or best friends in a past life, i dunno. Anywhos we went to Patsy's house and ate chocolates with alcohol in them, haha, and played Disney monopoly the Jamaican way. It was nuts.
Sunday, the next morning we wake up and wait a ridiculously long time to eat, but we eat and it is goooood, without comparing it to the night before. Then we stole all of Patrice's clothes and ran off with them. i ended up home, and two seconds later at the plowshares, where i got everyone i know a button, well not everyone, but a fair amount.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i came home and blah blah blah, we got in the car, blah blah hey is for horses and chickens and fish, blah blah, ratatouille, blah, we are there!!!!
Jason Anderson's performance reminded me of camp, like a service or firecircle something. It was nice until Paul fainted, which was really scarey, but fortunatly there was a smart man in a brown north face to take control as well as a women, and Tyler and such. Then paramedics came, it was okay, and i really really hope he is okay.
Zach was there, and he remembered me, and all i could say is that he was tall, which is a stupid thing to say and i wish i could have said real words, but they didn't come. When i am not comfortable i am awkward and no matter how comfortable i am at home i am never as comfortable as i a could be, as i am at camp, which i know all of you are sick of hearing, but whatever, turn off the blog if ya dont wanna read it. blah, moment of anger. moving on.
SSLYBY
SOMEONE STILL LOVES YOU BORIS YELTSIN
Phil Dickey noticed us, in the front row. and he was looking at us and albgradknsfl, and it was such an amazing concert, and i loved the song about dracula. after the show i got to talk to them and i was weird and awkward as hell, but i dont care, i just hope they remember who i am, at least for a little bit. John(the one with the scar not the awk one) was really nice, and he knew that i had umlauts over my e, and that made my night. Phil Dickey talked and that also made my night, i talked to him and that made my night.
it was a pretty good, it was amazing actually,
except that little itty bittty thought in the back of my head. your not dumb, so highlight this post, and maybe you will tell me something, maybe you wont. your not good at hiding,but just understand i am not that hurt over losing you, because i didnt lose you, but i did lose my trust in you, and how would hiding help anyway?and i did lose any hope i had with you, and i did lose any hope i had with anyone cuz i feel stupid as fuck, and dumb as shit, and just fucking worthless. except that little itty bittty thought in the back of my head.
Let us start with Friday even though all i really wanna talk about is tonight, but we are gonna go in order of occurrence, so Friday:and if anything happened before it could have i would rather you tell me than let me find out.
After school i was to go to archbold and practice back handsprings with Mr. Austin, i came to late and missed him, but at least i knew where the gymnastics room was. Later, i went back with Lillie and Miriam, even though it was secretly about to close i got to do some back handsprings. i was afraid at first, it felt like i forgot how, but Miriam did one, so i just went for it and it was so easy and satisfying. They have a really nice floor at archbold, and we are gonna practice there a lot more, i cannot explain how much i missed doing gymnastics and how good it felt to do it again. Anyway after that i caught Lillie and Miriam up on my life in the past 3 months because they missed it.
They tried to catch me up on theirs, but there wasn't to much to be said i guess. We hung out, and unfortunately my laughing switch wasn't turned on as soon as i got there, which i thought it would be, i thought they out of all people could cheer me up, but i was only so content. Still, it was fun and it was great to see them, i feel like i am getting my life back and i am able to see people again and i am so happy they are willing to see me, even though it is almost like we forgot about each other for a couple months, even though it wasn't forgetting it was never having time.
i didn't care when they would like other people or when they cheated on me, but since it has happen time after time, i dont know what to think. am i not worth it?
Okay, lets move onto Saturday because that was too long.
Saturday: I was gonna wake up at nine, but i did not, instead i woke up at 11 and got all my science done before going to see Grace in the nutcracker. This is when i told my mom we were no longer dated, her comment? "Oh, that was fast" then about ten minutes later "Ray is stupid." I died laughing. The performance was really well done, and i saw one million girls in Christmas dresses during intermission, a tradition i unfortunatly missed out on.it doesn't feel like i am ever worth anything to anyone. i just feel like an option, everytime i am an option, "if i had something better i would take it, but i dont so i suppose you will do"
Okay right after nutcracker i was to go meet Patrice, and others at Hannah Koenneke's (which is spelled similar to that) house. I had some trouble contacting Patsy and ended up calling every Koenneke in the phonebook, but i got there and her house was really nice along with her family, hair, clothes, etc. We had the most delicious dinner and i dont think i will ever be able to eat pasta again my standards are set so high (i had truffle butter, which tasted like heaven). We then went to the dance, it was fun; i actually danced and felt kinda pretty, which made things okay. Hannah is awesome and we might be secret twins or something, or best friends in a past life, i dunno. Anywhos we went to Patsy's house and ate chocolates with alcohol in them, haha, and played Disney monopoly the Jamaican way. It was nuts.
Sunday, the next morning we wake up and wait a ridiculously long time to eat, but we eat and it is goooood, without comparing it to the night before. Then we stole all of Patrice's clothes and ran off with them. i ended up home, and two seconds later at the plowshares, where i got everyone i know a button, well not everyone, but a fair amount.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i came home and blah blah blah, we got in the car, blah blah hey is for horses and chickens and fish, blah blah, ratatouille, blah, we are there!!!!
Jason Anderson's performance reminded me of camp, like a service or firecircle something. It was nice until Paul fainted, which was really scarey, but fortunatly there was a smart man in a brown north face to take control as well as a women, and Tyler and such. Then paramedics came, it was okay, and i really really hope he is okay.
Zach was there, and he remembered me, and all i could say is that he was tall, which is a stupid thing to say and i wish i could have said real words, but they didn't come. When i am not comfortable i am awkward and no matter how comfortable i am at home i am never as comfortable as i a could be, as i am at camp, which i know all of you are sick of hearing, but whatever, turn off the blog if ya dont wanna read it. blah, moment of anger. moving on.
SSLYBY
SOMEONE STILL LOVES YOU BORIS YELTSIN
Phil Dickey noticed us, in the front row. and he was looking at us and albgradknsfl, and it was such an amazing concert, and i loved the song about dracula. after the show i got to talk to them and i was weird and awkward as hell, but i dont care, i just hope they remember who i am, at least for a little bit. John(the one with the scar not the awk one) was really nice, and he knew that i had umlauts over my e, and that made my night. Phil Dickey talked and that also made my night, i talked to him and that made my night.
it was a pretty good, it was amazing actually,
except that little itty bittty thought in the back of my head. your not dumb, so highlight this post, and maybe you will tell me something, maybe you wont. your not good at hiding,but just understand i am not that hurt over losing you, because i didnt lose you, but i did lose my trust in you, and how would hiding help anyway?and i did lose any hope i had with you, and i did lose any hope i had with anyone cuz i feel stupid as fuck, and dumb as shit, and just fucking worthless. except that little itty bittty thought in the back of my head.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Carlos von Fuego
This week has been very stressful.
Last night I prayed that today could be normal, or I could at least have that mindset that everything would be fine. Prayers don't always come true.
Monday.
Tuesday. 504.
Wednesday. lost.
We got lost, and it messed up my whole wednesday schedule. I had it all planned out; I would go to Key Club/Honor society meetings, then practice back handsprings at archbold, then come home and practice my cello, do some homework, talk to tevin, go to glee, watch glee, finish homework, sleep. Instead it went like this; Key club meeting, wait for Thom Thom (which was actually uber fun, I need to hang out with Rebecca more often), get gas and burritos. Get lost for over an hour, which caused me to miss all of my afternoon plans and I was so scared. Come home for two seconds then go to glee, practice cello and watch glee, got almost no homework done.
Thursday. (today) Cheerleading.
Ms. Moses wasn't there so practice was a diva off. I decided I don't like the cheerleading girls. They are typically ghetto, and even if I can get along with them I do not find it enjoyable to hang out with them. I don't know their names, they don't know mine, and none of them take anything seriously. Their jokes aren't funny, and Monica is always working with JV so I am all alone. Hopefully it'll get better though, and Svenja is the coolest chick around, by the way.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a really full weekend, and I think I might have to miss seeing Grace in the nutcracker, which I was really looking forward too. Anyway, this post is stupid and this week sucks, but if I count the little things it was actually kinda nice.
Jordan is my boyfriend, so is Annie. Molly is my twin. Monica is my wife. Ducky is my sister. Carlos von Feugo is watching you. Ms. Ali always makes my day. Boggle is fun. I have Ray's senior picture. I am going to SSLYBY in a busload of fun. I hung out with Thom, which I feel like I haven't done in a while, and even if we did almost die twice, it was okay in the end. Ugh.
Last night I prayed that today could be normal, or I could at least have that mindset that everything would be fine. Prayers don't always come true.
Monday.
Tuesday. 504.
Wednesday. lost.
We got lost, and it messed up my whole wednesday schedule. I had it all planned out; I would go to Key Club/Honor society meetings, then practice back handsprings at archbold, then come home and practice my cello, do some homework, talk to tevin, go to glee, watch glee, finish homework, sleep. Instead it went like this; Key club meeting, wait for Thom Thom (which was actually uber fun, I need to hang out with Rebecca more often), get gas and burritos. Get lost for over an hour, which caused me to miss all of my afternoon plans and I was so scared. Come home for two seconds then go to glee, practice cello and watch glee, got almost no homework done.
Thursday. (today) Cheerleading.
Ms. Moses wasn't there so practice was a diva off. I decided I don't like the cheerleading girls. They are typically ghetto, and even if I can get along with them I do not find it enjoyable to hang out with them. I don't know their names, they don't know mine, and none of them take anything seriously. Their jokes aren't funny, and Monica is always working with JV so I am all alone. Hopefully it'll get better though, and Svenja is the coolest chick around, by the way.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a really full weekend, and I think I might have to miss seeing Grace in the nutcracker, which I was really looking forward too. Anyway, this post is stupid and this week sucks, but if I count the little things it was actually kinda nice.
Jordan is my boyfriend, so is Annie. Molly is my twin. Monica is my wife. Ducky is my sister. Carlos von Feugo is watching you. Ms. Ali always makes my day. Boggle is fun. I have Ray's senior picture. I am going to SSLYBY in a busload of fun. I hung out with Thom, which I feel like I haven't done in a while, and even if we did almost die twice, it was okay in the end. Ugh.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
504
she noticed.
and she told them. my dad. and a whole board of people i dont know. and mr. gower. and my math teacher. what right have they got to know?
i could have cried. it took all my strength not to.
well i am surprisingly okay.
i am being such an overachiever this year. but i cant stop. i cant stop doing everything.
if i stopped doing everything i would be home. and at home i fail.
even today. they told me. a whole board of people told me that colleges wont just care about tests. they told me they would want me. you have never told me that. and even when she told me you argued that it isnt true.
what if this is just how i am? cant you just except i am not as smart.
and she told them. my dad. and a whole board of people i dont know. and mr. gower. and my math teacher. what right have they got to know?
i could have cried. it took all my strength not to.
well i am surprisingly okay.
i am being such an overachiever this year. but i cant stop. i cant stop doing everything.
if i stopped doing everything i would be home. and at home i fail.
even today. they told me. a whole board of people told me that colleges wont just care about tests. they told me they would want me. you have never told me that. and even when she told me you argued that it isnt true.
what if this is just how i am? cant you just except i am not as smart.
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