1. Last night was fun, just goofing around being friends.
I'm gonna sum it up for the kids watching at home who are a little clueless.
chatroulette
creeps and naked guys
ukulele
those two girls
that guy with the beard
2009 glasses
harmonica
the other nick jonas
our third wife
yeah..it was amusing.
2. For the past week or so my dreams have had some kind of consistency, they all have to do with gymnastics at Archbold with Lillie, Miriam, and Mr. Austin. I am never able to/or given a chance to do a backtuck. That part is pretty explanatory, I am scared about my backtuck, okay, great. All of my dreams have people who I have not seen in a while or are never in my dreams. Like Natanya, Louis, Lilly Schaber, Alyssa, Tamara, Monica, Wednesday, I dunno people just keep showing up, which is weird because I rarely dream about people I actually know. Lastly, is that in every dream I am either sick, too weak to function, or fainting. The only reason it intrigues me is because it is the same dream every night, with only minor changes. Freaky? Cool?
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Art the Savior.
I think I am a little bit afraid of "the real world." No, I am very afraid of it, but mostly I am afraid that one day I will use that term to describe how I am living. That would be awful.
I am afraid of artists. All my life I have been surrounded by either proud parents or generally ignorant students. By generally ignorant I mean, ignorant of art and all the art that is out there.
I feel like once I leave I may find my place among the creative minds, but I fear that I will become jealous and intimidated by them. I think the only time I have faced a true challenge of my ability was when I shared classes with Christian Green. I think he is a funny, and probably nice person, but I secretly despise him because people believe that he is a better artist than me. That isn't how art is judged, it is all a matter of opinion, not better or worse. That might be one of the reason I like it so much, competition has never intrigued me and there is no competition required to be considered a good artist.
Anyway, I really want to finish this project scrap journal thing before college so that way I will at least have something to show. All of my art so far has been created frivolously, but if I make this book it will show that I can commit to a project as well. Plus I think it will be super cool.
I am afraid of artists. All my life I have been surrounded by either proud parents or generally ignorant students. By generally ignorant I mean, ignorant of art and all the art that is out there.
I feel like once I leave I may find my place among the creative minds, but I fear that I will become jealous and intimidated by them. I think the only time I have faced a true challenge of my ability was when I shared classes with Christian Green. I think he is a funny, and probably nice person, but I secretly despise him because people believe that he is a better artist than me. That isn't how art is judged, it is all a matter of opinion, not better or worse. That might be one of the reason I like it so much, competition has never intrigued me and there is no competition required to be considered a good artist.
Anyway, I really want to finish this project scrap journal thing before college so that way I will at least have something to show. All of my art so far has been created frivolously, but if I make this book it will show that I can commit to a project as well. Plus I think it will be super cool.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Spring Time in December?
Today it feels like spring. I love spring and I am kind of mad at myself for loving it so much because I want it to snow so badly. Today, even though I have not put one foot outside, was a spring day, the only thing that is unlike spring is the sun. It is still weak and creates shadows that engulf the entire backyard. Longer days make people so much happier, and so does being outside.
If Dino were here I would have taken him for a walk today, a nice long walk in the park. I forgot he was gone for a moment and opened my mouth to yell his name, but I remembered that he wasn't here before I made any noise. Then I suggested that my dad should borrow Holly, the Schaber's dog and take him for a walk. He didn't really listen to my suggestion.
For about two hours this morning I lay in bed with my window open and every time the wind blew a breeze past my head I would inhale deeply. The air tasted so sweet, it was a shame to have to depart with it after every exhale. The sun did not leak into my room, or enter my room with any sort of presence this morning, so if I had not looked outside I would not have seen that the sky was clear. I also would not have seen my neighbor, Jose gardening without a shirt. He is a wonder at making plants grow, he saved our peach tree. Anyway I saw Jose shirtless and that is exactly the reason I opened my window as wide as it could go, I figured it must be in the 50's, in fact it was only mid 40's, but that was still perfect for breathing.
***********************************
I am so excited for this upcoming year, I am going to Paris and I am going on an Archeological dig in Southern Italy. I really hope it happens, it seems like such a dream come true, but it also seems so untouchable. Sometimes I worry about it, I am going to be all alone with a group of mostly men much older then me who speak a language I have almost completely forgotten. My mom usually reminds me that it won't actually be that exact situation, women are there too, and most of the people on the dig speak English. Also my family will probably staying several train rides away in our country home in Northern Italy. Originally I thought this was going to be my first big adventure alone, but I guess not, I will probably be riding in a plan with my family as usual and my cousin might even come back to dig with me, which is great, but he is a very charismatic person and will ruin any chance I had at a true experience. If he doesn't come my parents might force my brother to go, which will be just as bad. JP wants to come too, and my mom said he could, if he paid travel fees, but that wouldn't work either. I want to do this on my own, it is scary to do it by myself, but I need to do it that way.
Then there is Paris, in my more immediate future, which is also more of a promise. We have the tickets and my parents loaded us (my brother and me) with maps, brochures, phrase books, catalogs, etc. all about Paris since that is our big Christmas/Hannukah/Birthday present. We will not be stepping onto foreign soil unprepared. I personally am preparing myself in subtle, but important ways including :
wardrobe (even though I am sure I will get a new one when I am there)
improvements in painting and sketching
watching and reading all of my favorite movies and books having to do with Paris
food, learning about French foods
Anyway, last year was my stupid year and I do believe I lived up to the title, and this year shall be my eye opening year. The one where I become, a better person; better educated, better dressed, more mature, and truly start my journey to becoming a woman. Of course I am not giving up childhood I am just returning back to my former inquisitive and thoughtful nature, that had people believing I was wise beyond my years. This nature probably developed from my constant travel and parties with adults.
Well this is an extremely long post, but I have just had the greatest feeling these past couple days, weeks even, and everything seems to be right, and I feel ready to forget this silly mentally I had. Everything is just so good, or it will be. I can feel it.
If Dino were here I would have taken him for a walk today, a nice long walk in the park. I forgot he was gone for a moment and opened my mouth to yell his name, but I remembered that he wasn't here before I made any noise. Then I suggested that my dad should borrow Holly, the Schaber's dog and take him for a walk. He didn't really listen to my suggestion.
For about two hours this morning I lay in bed with my window open and every time the wind blew a breeze past my head I would inhale deeply. The air tasted so sweet, it was a shame to have to depart with it after every exhale. The sun did not leak into my room, or enter my room with any sort of presence this morning, so if I had not looked outside I would not have seen that the sky was clear. I also would not have seen my neighbor, Jose gardening without a shirt. He is a wonder at making plants grow, he saved our peach tree. Anyway I saw Jose shirtless and that is exactly the reason I opened my window as wide as it could go, I figured it must be in the 50's, in fact it was only mid 40's, but that was still perfect for breathing.
***********************************
I am so excited for this upcoming year, I am going to Paris and I am going on an Archeological dig in Southern Italy. I really hope it happens, it seems like such a dream come true, but it also seems so untouchable. Sometimes I worry about it, I am going to be all alone with a group of mostly men much older then me who speak a language I have almost completely forgotten. My mom usually reminds me that it won't actually be that exact situation, women are there too, and most of the people on the dig speak English. Also my family will probably staying several train rides away in our country home in Northern Italy. Originally I thought this was going to be my first big adventure alone, but I guess not, I will probably be riding in a plan with my family as usual and my cousin might even come back to dig with me, which is great, but he is a very charismatic person and will ruin any chance I had at a true experience. If he doesn't come my parents might force my brother to go, which will be just as bad. JP wants to come too, and my mom said he could, if he paid travel fees, but that wouldn't work either. I want to do this on my own, it is scary to do it by myself, but I need to do it that way.
Then there is Paris, in my more immediate future, which is also more of a promise. We have the tickets and my parents loaded us (my brother and me) with maps, brochures, phrase books, catalogs, etc. all about Paris since that is our big Christmas/Hannukah/Birthday present. We will not be stepping onto foreign soil unprepared. I personally am preparing myself in subtle, but important ways including :
wardrobe (even though I am sure I will get a new one when I am there)
improvements in painting and sketching
watching and reading all of my favorite movies and books having to do with Paris
food, learning about French foods
Anyway, last year was my stupid year and I do believe I lived up to the title, and this year shall be my eye opening year. The one where I become, a better person; better educated, better dressed, more mature, and truly start my journey to becoming a woman. Of course I am not giving up childhood I am just returning back to my former inquisitive and thoughtful nature, that had people believing I was wise beyond my years. This nature probably developed from my constant travel and parties with adults.
Well this is an extremely long post, but I have just had the greatest feeling these past couple days, weeks even, and everything seems to be right, and I feel ready to forget this silly mentally I had. Everything is just so good, or it will be. I can feel it.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Last Christmas
i love Christmas, the only problem is the money and shopping issues, otherwise it is a wonderful thing to experience.
i love Christmas carols and jingles, some of my favorites are Last Christmas, and Carol of the Bells.
i love giving people things, i love knowing what to give them, and i love twinkly lights, and fires and hot chocolate, cozy-ness, decorations, snow, and cheesey christmas specials that only come on once a year. if i am ever super sad, like beyond repair, somone should just come over with a box of christmas movies, songs, hot chocolate, blankets, lights, and ornaments. If they did i think i would love them forever and never ever be sad again. Even though i am so stressed, i still love the holidays. i love the eighth night of Hannukah, when all of the lights are lit in the window, for everyone to see.
This may sound weird, but i can't wait for that one Christmas when everyone is broke, so friends gather and get creative. Maybe our tree would be the one that grows in our backyard, or maybe it would be made of cardboard. Maybe we would only be able to recycle gifts, or just tell each other what we would have got them if we had more money. i think those moments are so beautiful.
Tonight was the concert, and i did not do well, and i guess i showed too much leg, but it was kinda nice to feel so tall and sexy. Haha. i love the sound of the cello and i really wish i could play Blondie (my old cello), he is such a beautiful instrument.
Mr. Austin told me that he thought i kicked ass yesterday and i deserved more credit, which was really nice. i'm glad at least someone liked it.
Right now i am listening to Last Christmas on repeat (the Glee version of course) and so i think i will just end this post. Merry Holiday season.
i love Christmas carols and jingles, some of my favorites are Last Christmas, and Carol of the Bells.
i love giving people things, i love knowing what to give them, and i love twinkly lights, and fires and hot chocolate, cozy-ness, decorations, snow, and cheesey christmas specials that only come on once a year. if i am ever super sad, like beyond repair, somone should just come over with a box of christmas movies, songs, hot chocolate, blankets, lights, and ornaments. If they did i think i would love them forever and never ever be sad again. Even though i am so stressed, i still love the holidays. i love the eighth night of Hannukah, when all of the lights are lit in the window, for everyone to see.
This may sound weird, but i can't wait for that one Christmas when everyone is broke, so friends gather and get creative. Maybe our tree would be the one that grows in our backyard, or maybe it would be made of cardboard. Maybe we would only be able to recycle gifts, or just tell each other what we would have got them if we had more money. i think those moments are so beautiful.
Tonight was the concert, and i did not do well, and i guess i showed too much leg, but it was kinda nice to feel so tall and sexy. Haha. i love the sound of the cello and i really wish i could play Blondie (my old cello), he is such a beautiful instrument.
Mr. Austin told me that he thought i kicked ass yesterday and i deserved more credit, which was really nice. i'm glad at least someone liked it.
Right now i am listening to Last Christmas on repeat (the Glee version of course) and so i think i will just end this post. Merry Holiday season.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Shakespeare Competition.
That was tonight. i don't even know why i cared so much, i think it is the only time i have actually become really cocky about my acting, of course i wasn't showing that i was cocky (hope not at least), but i know i was cocky because i was actually upset when i didn't win anything. i kinda thought i would, even though i didn't do that well tonight. Then when i went for comments it just got worse, and i am pretty sure the judges just hated me as a person because they could tell i was cocky, but i swear it was only today and i will never do it again because it screws me up and i don't deserve it, people don't deserve having to put up with it.
The winners deserved it, and the freshmen stepped it up about 100 points today. A lot of people improved from Friday's rehearsal, it was a bit intimidating.
Fortunately i haven't put much of the blame on anyone, but me, like i did at first for like a minute, but really it was all me. So i just have to remember no blaming or sneering, or sticking out tongues or anything. I really have no fucking idea why i cared about this, i didn't at first.
Anyway when i got home i painted this ugly little thing, but i kinda like it. i still need to work on my painting skills although i think they are getting much better, my mother has no comment, which probably means nothing i have made is portfolio worthy yet.
It would be so nice to dive onto my bed and shelter myself in a conch of warmth and fuzziness. I could cry until my my troubles were forgotten and then dream until death. That would be nice right about now, but i got work to do and life to live.
The winners deserved it, and the freshmen stepped it up about 100 points today. A lot of people improved from Friday's rehearsal, it was a bit intimidating.
Fortunately i haven't put much of the blame on anyone, but me, like i did at first for like a minute, but really it was all me. So i just have to remember no blaming or sneering, or sticking out tongues or anything. I really have no fucking idea why i cared about this, i didn't at first.
Anyway when i got home i painted this ugly little thing, but i kinda like it. i still need to work on my painting skills although i think they are getting much better, my mother has no comment, which probably means nothing i have made is portfolio worthy yet.
It would be so nice to dive onto my bed and shelter myself in a conch of warmth and fuzziness. I could cry until my my troubles were forgotten and then dream until death. That would be nice right about now, but i got work to do and life to live.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
The Cutest Thing Ever!
Today we went to see Lights on the Lake and we listened to Christmas music.
Towards the end the car in front of us pulled over next to a sign that said "Mary Kaye will you marry me?" We looked back and saw the guy in the front seat turn to the girl in the passenger seat and show her a box. I really hope she said yes, and I really hope they can be happy together for a long time.
It made my night.
Towards the end the car in front of us pulled over next to a sign that said "Mary Kaye will you marry me?" We looked back and saw the guy in the front seat turn to the girl in the passenger seat and show her a box. I really hope she said yes, and I really hope they can be happy together for a long time.
It made my night.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
time for something new?
So i decided my blog is friggin obnoxious, like when it is coded and stuff, that is just stupid. So i am changing the tone of my blog and making it more trivial, obvious, interesting, or whatever. Maybe i will just start making shit up, that would be more interesting.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I Love Gymnastics.
Why did I quit? It is the best sport ever, and I am so happy when I do it.
I love it more than anything, and I don't want to dive, or cheer, or draw, or think, or work, I want to do gymnastics. I want to get my backtuck, and kip and maybe do some vault?
It is just the greatest feeling in the world, I feel so strong and able. I am so powerful. I feel so healthy and my body is begging for more. More tumbling. More, more, more.
I want to quit everything for gymnastics;
I want a coach who is nice, but actually pushes me, and teaches me to do things. Sherri was great, but she just kinda had us go for things without thinking, which got me into bad habits. Mr. Austin is a good coach. I want to work harder, longer, better.
Backtuck, backtuck, backtuck, better, higher, faster, again again again. I want to do it until my limbs are jelly.
When I came home all I wanted to do was work on strength and flexibility. I want to get better, rather than stay a level five gymnast all my life. I will do it, I want to do it so bad.
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Good Times
Kathleen has been mentioning them a lot. They really were the good times, there hasn't been a better time since I was about 8, except at camp, but for some reason I can't look back and remember how good camp was, even though I remember that it was good.
But the Good Times, those months, those are the things I am going to tell my children and grandchildren about. When they picture them they will think of afternoon sunshine, summertime, late nights, twinkly lights, and guitar music. Of course I will leave out a few details, but I just miss when everything was alright.
Like that time we all skipped school on one of the last days and made french toast and played video games and such.
Or those times when we would just walk back and forth between houses, someone was always playing guitar, and we would pick kids up and leave them as we walked and we would walk until dark. Then we would sit on front porches, or watch a movie, we never wanted to go home.
Remember that time when Thundercat, Thom, and Ray went to get us frosties, and we came up with cat related names for all of them, themes songs, etc. Remember how we couldn't remember which car belonged to Thom. Remember how when they got there we just sat around and enjoyed ourselves.
Or when we would bike to the quarry, or the radio tower.
I just miss how the days were longer, and friendships were stronger. I miss how when it gets dark you remember that you have been sweating all day and your fingertips are dirty and now that the sun has set you are just enjoying the fact that you don't stick to your chair and you don't even care about the mosquitoes. I miss how it was okay to be a kid, and I miss how you didn't have to worry about things.
Summer is just a better time for living.
But the Good Times, those months, those are the things I am going to tell my children and grandchildren about. When they picture them they will think of afternoon sunshine, summertime, late nights, twinkly lights, and guitar music. Of course I will leave out a few details, but I just miss when everything was alright.
Like that time we all skipped school on one of the last days and made french toast and played video games and such.
Or those times when we would just walk back and forth between houses, someone was always playing guitar, and we would pick kids up and leave them as we walked and we would walk until dark. Then we would sit on front porches, or watch a movie, we never wanted to go home.
Remember that time when Thundercat, Thom, and Ray went to get us frosties, and we came up with cat related names for all of them, themes songs, etc. Remember how we couldn't remember which car belonged to Thom. Remember how when they got there we just sat around and enjoyed ourselves.
Or when we would bike to the quarry, or the radio tower.
I just miss how the days were longer, and friendships were stronger. I miss how when it gets dark you remember that you have been sweating all day and your fingertips are dirty and now that the sun has set you are just enjoying the fact that you don't stick to your chair and you don't even care about the mosquitoes. I miss how it was okay to be a kid, and I miss how you didn't have to worry about things.
Summer is just a better time for living.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The Solar System and the Stars.
If you unpieced my room in the correct order my whole life would be revealed.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
addiction
i am addicted to doing things.
i cannot stop. Can't stop.
i don't want to talk.
To you.
or anyone. out of context.
but then i am alone
and i don't know what to say
flip the screen
tap tap tap.
can't help it, can't stop.
What do i do? Why do i do?
must i
yes i must.
must
must
lust
trust
is lost
i cannot comprehend
because you cannot comprehend
so i do not know why
i do so much. but i feel better than ever
and i want to do more
more more
everything
and i can do it
do it all
i am so far
just not sleeping
but sleep is for
the dead
oh oh dear
i see it now
i know why
why my mom looks at me that way
i see it now
but it does not feel true
how could it be
but it is
it so is
so soon
but i will not get help
because he said so
he said we are broke
and i know we are
so no help
even if i want it
even if you want it
no
no.
i cannot stop. Can't stop.
i don't want to talk.
To you.
or anyone. out of context.
but then i am alone
and i don't know what to say
flip the screen
tap tap tap.
can't help it, can't stop.
What do i do? Why do i do?
must i
yes i must.
must
must
lust
trust
is lost
i cannot comprehend
because you cannot comprehend
so i do not know why
i do so much. but i feel better than ever
and i want to do more
more more
everything
and i can do it
do it all
i am so far
just not sleeping
but sleep is for
the dead
oh oh dear
i see it now
i know why
why my mom looks at me that way
i see it now
but it does not feel true
how could it be
but it is
it so is
so soon
but i will not get help
because he said so
he said we are broke
and i know we are
so no help
even if i want it
even if you want it
no
no.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I TOOK A PICTURE WITH PHIL DICKEY!
So this weekend was bananas, and yes when i spelled bananas i sang the Gwen Stefani song so i could spell it right.yeah, i know, im not fucking stupid, so dont try to hide it, i kinda wish you would have let me know, the way i let you know. but whatever.
Let us start with Friday even though all i really wanna talk about is tonight, but we are gonna go in order of occurrence, so Friday:and if anything happened before it could have i would rather you tell me than let me find out.
After school i was to go to archbold and practice back handsprings with Mr. Austin, i came to late and missed him, but at least i knew where the gymnastics room was. Later, i went back with Lillie and Miriam, even though it was secretly about to close i got to do some back handsprings. i was afraid at first, it felt like i forgot how, but Miriam did one, so i just went for it and it was so easy and satisfying. They have a really nice floor at archbold, and we are gonna practice there a lot more, i cannot explain how much i missed doing gymnastics and how good it felt to do it again. Anyway after that i caught Lillie and Miriam up on my life in the past 3 months because they missed it.
They tried to catch me up on theirs, but there wasn't to much to be said i guess. We hung out, and unfortunately my laughing switch wasn't turned on as soon as i got there, which i thought it would be, i thought they out of all people could cheer me up, but i was only so content. Still, it was fun and it was great to see them, i feel like i am getting my life back and i am able to see people again and i am so happy they are willing to see me, even though it is almost like we forgot about each other for a couple months, even though it wasn't forgetting it was never having time.
i didn't care when they would like other people or when they cheated on me, but since it has happen time after time, i dont know what to think. am i not worth it?
Okay, lets move onto Saturday because that was too long.
Saturday: I was gonna wake up at nine, but i did not, instead i woke up at 11 and got all my science done before going to see Grace in the nutcracker. This is when i told my mom we were no longer dated, her comment? "Oh, that was fast" then about ten minutes later "Ray is stupid." I died laughing. The performance was really well done, and i saw one million girls in Christmas dresses during intermission, a tradition i unfortunatly missed out on.it doesn't feel like i am ever worth anything to anyone. i just feel like an option, everytime i am an option, "if i had something better i would take it, but i dont so i suppose you will do"
Okay right after nutcracker i was to go meet Patrice, and others at Hannah Koenneke's (which is spelled similar to that) house. I had some trouble contacting Patsy and ended up calling every Koenneke in the phonebook, but i got there and her house was really nice along with her family, hair, clothes, etc. We had the most delicious dinner and i dont think i will ever be able to eat pasta again my standards are set so high (i had truffle butter, which tasted like heaven). We then went to the dance, it was fun; i actually danced and felt kinda pretty, which made things okay. Hannah is awesome and we might be secret twins or something, or best friends in a past life, i dunno. Anywhos we went to Patsy's house and ate chocolates with alcohol in them, haha, and played Disney monopoly the Jamaican way. It was nuts.
Sunday, the next morning we wake up and wait a ridiculously long time to eat, but we eat and it is goooood, without comparing it to the night before. Then we stole all of Patrice's clothes and ran off with them. i ended up home, and two seconds later at the plowshares, where i got everyone i know a button, well not everyone, but a fair amount.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i came home and blah blah blah, we got in the car, blah blah hey is for horses and chickens and fish, blah blah, ratatouille, blah, we are there!!!!
Jason Anderson's performance reminded me of camp, like a service or firecircle something. It was nice until Paul fainted, which was really scarey, but fortunatly there was a smart man in a brown north face to take control as well as a women, and Tyler and such. Then paramedics came, it was okay, and i really really hope he is okay.
Zach was there, and he remembered me, and all i could say is that he was tall, which is a stupid thing to say and i wish i could have said real words, but they didn't come. When i am not comfortable i am awkward and no matter how comfortable i am at home i am never as comfortable as i a could be, as i am at camp, which i know all of you are sick of hearing, but whatever, turn off the blog if ya dont wanna read it. blah, moment of anger. moving on.
SSLYBY
SOMEONE STILL LOVES YOU BORIS YELTSIN
Phil Dickey noticed us, in the front row. and he was looking at us and albgradknsfl, and it was such an amazing concert, and i loved the song about dracula. after the show i got to talk to them and i was weird and awkward as hell, but i dont care, i just hope they remember who i am, at least for a little bit. John(the one with the scar not the awk one) was really nice, and he knew that i had umlauts over my e, and that made my night. Phil Dickey talked and that also made my night, i talked to him and that made my night.
it was a pretty good, it was amazing actually,
except that little itty bittty thought in the back of my head. your not dumb, so highlight this post, and maybe you will tell me something, maybe you wont. your not good at hiding,but just understand i am not that hurt over losing you, because i didnt lose you, but i did lose my trust in you, and how would hiding help anyway?and i did lose any hope i had with you, and i did lose any hope i had with anyone cuz i feel stupid as fuck, and dumb as shit, and just fucking worthless. except that little itty bittty thought in the back of my head.
Let us start with Friday even though all i really wanna talk about is tonight, but we are gonna go in order of occurrence, so Friday:and if anything happened before it could have i would rather you tell me than let me find out.
After school i was to go to archbold and practice back handsprings with Mr. Austin, i came to late and missed him, but at least i knew where the gymnastics room was. Later, i went back with Lillie and Miriam, even though it was secretly about to close i got to do some back handsprings. i was afraid at first, it felt like i forgot how, but Miriam did one, so i just went for it and it was so easy and satisfying. They have a really nice floor at archbold, and we are gonna practice there a lot more, i cannot explain how much i missed doing gymnastics and how good it felt to do it again. Anyway after that i caught Lillie and Miriam up on my life in the past 3 months because they missed it.
They tried to catch me up on theirs, but there wasn't to much to be said i guess. We hung out, and unfortunately my laughing switch wasn't turned on as soon as i got there, which i thought it would be, i thought they out of all people could cheer me up, but i was only so content. Still, it was fun and it was great to see them, i feel like i am getting my life back and i am able to see people again and i am so happy they are willing to see me, even though it is almost like we forgot about each other for a couple months, even though it wasn't forgetting it was never having time.
i didn't care when they would like other people or when they cheated on me, but since it has happen time after time, i dont know what to think. am i not worth it?
Okay, lets move onto Saturday because that was too long.
Saturday: I was gonna wake up at nine, but i did not, instead i woke up at 11 and got all my science done before going to see Grace in the nutcracker. This is when i told my mom we were no longer dated, her comment? "Oh, that was fast" then about ten minutes later "Ray is stupid." I died laughing. The performance was really well done, and i saw one million girls in Christmas dresses during intermission, a tradition i unfortunatly missed out on.it doesn't feel like i am ever worth anything to anyone. i just feel like an option, everytime i am an option, "if i had something better i would take it, but i dont so i suppose you will do"
Okay right after nutcracker i was to go meet Patrice, and others at Hannah Koenneke's (which is spelled similar to that) house. I had some trouble contacting Patsy and ended up calling every Koenneke in the phonebook, but i got there and her house was really nice along with her family, hair, clothes, etc. We had the most delicious dinner and i dont think i will ever be able to eat pasta again my standards are set so high (i had truffle butter, which tasted like heaven). We then went to the dance, it was fun; i actually danced and felt kinda pretty, which made things okay. Hannah is awesome and we might be secret twins or something, or best friends in a past life, i dunno. Anywhos we went to Patsy's house and ate chocolates with alcohol in them, haha, and played Disney monopoly the Jamaican way. It was nuts.
Sunday, the next morning we wake up and wait a ridiculously long time to eat, but we eat and it is goooood, without comparing it to the night before. Then we stole all of Patrice's clothes and ran off with them. i ended up home, and two seconds later at the plowshares, where i got everyone i know a button, well not everyone, but a fair amount.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i came home and blah blah blah, we got in the car, blah blah hey is for horses and chickens and fish, blah blah, ratatouille, blah, we are there!!!!
Jason Anderson's performance reminded me of camp, like a service or firecircle something. It was nice until Paul fainted, which was really scarey, but fortunatly there was a smart man in a brown north face to take control as well as a women, and Tyler and such. Then paramedics came, it was okay, and i really really hope he is okay.
Zach was there, and he remembered me, and all i could say is that he was tall, which is a stupid thing to say and i wish i could have said real words, but they didn't come. When i am not comfortable i am awkward and no matter how comfortable i am at home i am never as comfortable as i a could be, as i am at camp, which i know all of you are sick of hearing, but whatever, turn off the blog if ya dont wanna read it. blah, moment of anger. moving on.
SSLYBY
SOMEONE STILL LOVES YOU BORIS YELTSIN
Phil Dickey noticed us, in the front row. and he was looking at us and albgradknsfl, and it was such an amazing concert, and i loved the song about dracula. after the show i got to talk to them and i was weird and awkward as hell, but i dont care, i just hope they remember who i am, at least for a little bit. John(the one with the scar not the awk one) was really nice, and he knew that i had umlauts over my e, and that made my night. Phil Dickey talked and that also made my night, i talked to him and that made my night.
it was a pretty good, it was amazing actually,
except that little itty bittty thought in the back of my head. your not dumb, so highlight this post, and maybe you will tell me something, maybe you wont. your not good at hiding,but just understand i am not that hurt over losing you, because i didnt lose you, but i did lose my trust in you, and how would hiding help anyway?and i did lose any hope i had with you, and i did lose any hope i had with anyone cuz i feel stupid as fuck, and dumb as shit, and just fucking worthless. except that little itty bittty thought in the back of my head.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Carlos von Fuego
This week has been very stressful.
Last night I prayed that today could be normal, or I could at least have that mindset that everything would be fine. Prayers don't always come true.
Monday.
Tuesday. 504.
Wednesday. lost.
We got lost, and it messed up my whole wednesday schedule. I had it all planned out; I would go to Key Club/Honor society meetings, then practice back handsprings at archbold, then come home and practice my cello, do some homework, talk to tevin, go to glee, watch glee, finish homework, sleep. Instead it went like this; Key club meeting, wait for Thom Thom (which was actually uber fun, I need to hang out with Rebecca more often), get gas and burritos. Get lost for over an hour, which caused me to miss all of my afternoon plans and I was so scared. Come home for two seconds then go to glee, practice cello and watch glee, got almost no homework done.
Thursday. (today) Cheerleading.
Ms. Moses wasn't there so practice was a diva off. I decided I don't like the cheerleading girls. They are typically ghetto, and even if I can get along with them I do not find it enjoyable to hang out with them. I don't know their names, they don't know mine, and none of them take anything seriously. Their jokes aren't funny, and Monica is always working with JV so I am all alone. Hopefully it'll get better though, and Svenja is the coolest chick around, by the way.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a really full weekend, and I think I might have to miss seeing Grace in the nutcracker, which I was really looking forward too. Anyway, this post is stupid and this week sucks, but if I count the little things it was actually kinda nice.
Jordan is my boyfriend, so is Annie. Molly is my twin. Monica is my wife. Ducky is my sister. Carlos von Feugo is watching you. Ms. Ali always makes my day. Boggle is fun. I have Ray's senior picture. I am going to SSLYBY in a busload of fun. I hung out with Thom, which I feel like I haven't done in a while, and even if we did almost die twice, it was okay in the end. Ugh.
Last night I prayed that today could be normal, or I could at least have that mindset that everything would be fine. Prayers don't always come true.
Monday.
Tuesday. 504.
Wednesday. lost.
We got lost, and it messed up my whole wednesday schedule. I had it all planned out; I would go to Key Club/Honor society meetings, then practice back handsprings at archbold, then come home and practice my cello, do some homework, talk to tevin, go to glee, watch glee, finish homework, sleep. Instead it went like this; Key club meeting, wait for Thom Thom (which was actually uber fun, I need to hang out with Rebecca more often), get gas and burritos. Get lost for over an hour, which caused me to miss all of my afternoon plans and I was so scared. Come home for two seconds then go to glee, practice cello and watch glee, got almost no homework done.
Thursday. (today) Cheerleading.
Ms. Moses wasn't there so practice was a diva off. I decided I don't like the cheerleading girls. They are typically ghetto, and even if I can get along with them I do not find it enjoyable to hang out with them. I don't know their names, they don't know mine, and none of them take anything seriously. Their jokes aren't funny, and Monica is always working with JV so I am all alone. Hopefully it'll get better though, and Svenja is the coolest chick around, by the way.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a really full weekend, and I think I might have to miss seeing Grace in the nutcracker, which I was really looking forward too. Anyway, this post is stupid and this week sucks, but if I count the little things it was actually kinda nice.
Jordan is my boyfriend, so is Annie. Molly is my twin. Monica is my wife. Ducky is my sister. Carlos von Feugo is watching you. Ms. Ali always makes my day. Boggle is fun. I have Ray's senior picture. I am going to SSLYBY in a busload of fun. I hung out with Thom, which I feel like I haven't done in a while, and even if we did almost die twice, it was okay in the end. Ugh.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
504
she noticed.
and she told them. my dad. and a whole board of people i dont know. and mr. gower. and my math teacher. what right have they got to know?
i could have cried. it took all my strength not to.
well i am surprisingly okay.
i am being such an overachiever this year. but i cant stop. i cant stop doing everything.
if i stopped doing everything i would be home. and at home i fail.
even today. they told me. a whole board of people told me that colleges wont just care about tests. they told me they would want me. you have never told me that. and even when she told me you argued that it isnt true.
what if this is just how i am? cant you just except i am not as smart.
and she told them. my dad. and a whole board of people i dont know. and mr. gower. and my math teacher. what right have they got to know?
i could have cried. it took all my strength not to.
well i am surprisingly okay.
i am being such an overachiever this year. but i cant stop. i cant stop doing everything.
if i stopped doing everything i would be home. and at home i fail.
even today. they told me. a whole board of people told me that colleges wont just care about tests. they told me they would want me. you have never told me that. and even when she told me you argued that it isnt true.
what if this is just how i am? cant you just except i am not as smart.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Jenny Owen Youngs
and I'm having some trouble just breathing.
If we werent such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead
What the fuck was I thinking?
Oh it's so embarrasing
I'm this awkward and uncomprable thing,
and I'm running out of places to hide
im fine, just worthless.
im fine, just hopeless.myarmsarescarred.
If we werent such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead
What the fuck was I thinking?
Oh it's so embarrasing
I'm this awkward and uncomprable thing,
and I'm running out of places to hide
im fine, just worthless.
im fine, just hopeless.myarmsarescarred.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
infinite abyss
empty empty empty
.................inconvenience
...............................tomorrow
wait until tomorrow
time for
something else?
is it time for something else?
do you want something else?
i want something else, but its nothing to do with you,
so don't bother.
i want the world.
[ [ change ] ]
throw up. get it gone. go. gone. be gone. throw up throw up.
nasty mind,
you litter
my thoughts
which could
be so pure
and true
im sorry. im so sorry. i don't know why, but i feel i am doing something wrong, which was never my wish. never ever. my wish.
............my wish. i want dino back. i miss him.
.....................its cold without him here.
without you...............................here. i would be lost.
------------(don't get sick again)-----------
we had fun today. father. daughter. milkshakes. music. monet. and french fries.
"If it is never ending, why isn't it never beginning?"
.................inconvenience
...............................tomorrow
wait until tomorrow
time for
something else?
is it time for something else?
do you want something else?
i want something else, but its nothing to do with you,
so don't bother.
i want the world.
[ [ change ] ]
throw up. get it gone. go. gone. be gone. throw up throw up.
nasty mind,
you litter
my thoughts
which could
be so pure
and true
im sorry. im so sorry. i don't know why, but i feel i am doing something wrong, which was never my wish. never ever. my wish.
............my wish. i want dino back. i miss him.
.....................its cold without him here.
without you...............................here. i would be lost.
------------(don't get sick again)-----------
we had fun today. father. daughter. milkshakes. music. monet. and french fries.
"If it is never ending, why isn't it never beginning?"
Monday, November 16, 2009
a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind.
kjhbdroigjzregkldfojvzidunnowhattodoakjarhgldfnlknblknfalkhenrkbfimsonervousimsonervouslkzndrlkbfnzldkmfblodrmfbSInklisthisending?amidone?kjhkjnlkdtjhaltdkngfklnaldkrjafklnbadlfknvmdkjdfmsometimesiwanttolksndvodljknalskremdVSLkitstimetoleaveiwanttoleaveletmeleavekjdhgnlfkjbnlkjrdbfnlkjfnkfjnvughughimsolostandithinkimayhavelikeditbetterbeforenononothatisnttruebutijustdonotknowwhattodolsidjncklvlkfjldkbmlknzckjnbkzjbfkjnkjnfkzjbnkfjnkbjnfjjnlksdlkdzlkjbnfkjxlkmdzwhatdowedonow?iwasfine,butnowhwatnowhatwhatdowedo?ihaventdonethisyoutellmebutSjkagldjrglkjfnbaiwanttocurlupandcrysldkvdodisappeardisappearSkjdngljklaagdkkgone.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Well, you and I...
...it's something different
And I'm enjoying it as cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
And I'm enjoying it as cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I fall asleep in hospital parking lots and awake in your mouth.
i am enjoying owl city.
i am overloaded.
i was stupid to think i could handle this.
i have not done any work in about two weeks.
The marking period ends next week.
i don't think i am gonna have all A's, so I guess i'm not getting a puppy.
That wasn't a real deal anyway.
i want to re-do my room, but it's too much work.
this is hard.
i dunno if i can handle this.
you are hurting me.
i think your done with me already. sorry.
i'm getting fat off of candy.
cheese and crackers are the greatest, i think that is all i will eat from now on.
i want to sleep for three weeks and wake up when everything is easier.
Zoe
i am overloaded.
i was stupid to think i could handle this.
i have not done any work in about two weeks.
The marking period ends next week.
i don't think i am gonna have all A's, so I guess i'm not getting a puppy.
That wasn't a real deal anyway.
i want to re-do my room, but it's too much work.
this is hard.
i dunno if i can handle this.
you are hurting me.
i think your done with me already. sorry.
i'm getting fat off of candy.
cheese and crackers are the greatest, i think that is all i will eat from now on.
i want to sleep for three weeks and wake up when everything is easier.
Zoe
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
this day does not exist.
this cannot happen. it did not happen. i dont believe it. i dont want to believe it. i do beleive it, but i dont know how.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
help me out said the minnow to the trout
my body has become something i want to keep hidden. scars and marks. i can laugh about the marks, but the scars wont fade.
i always wanted to have smooth clean beautiful skin, but i think i like the skin i have better, it tells a much better story.
i am so comfortable around you. i have never been that comfortable before.
today i just wanted to spend time alone sketching for the whole day, but i didn't do that. i must have seemed so vacant. i just needed a day alone without anyone able to see or hear me. but that doesn't happen in cities, even small ones.
lately i have just felt so guilty, i dont even have a reason, but i feel so guilty. im sorry mommy.
i figured out that one of the reasons i got out of control is because we didn't have any animals in the house. so the distance between us grew and there were no friends.
this isn't a very happy post so far.
kittens!
thats much better.
-zoe
i always wanted to have smooth clean beautiful skin, but i think i like the skin i have better, it tells a much better story.
i am so comfortable around you. i have never been that comfortable before.
today i just wanted to spend time alone sketching for the whole day, but i didn't do that. i must have seemed so vacant. i just needed a day alone without anyone able to see or hear me. but that doesn't happen in cities, even small ones.
lately i have just felt so guilty, i dont even have a reason, but i feel so guilty. im sorry mommy.
i figured out that one of the reasons i got out of control is because we didn't have any animals in the house. so the distance between us grew and there were no friends.
this isn't a very happy post so far.
kittens!
thats much better.
-zoe
Thursday, October 22, 2009
And we listened to Karen O.
i dunno how you feel about that.
but i was very okay with it.
but if you weren't it wont happen again.
but i was very okay with it.
but if you weren't it wont happen again.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Vertigo.
-Crazy movie. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight due to Alfred Hitchcock's pure genius.
Where is this going? I want it to go somewhere. I think. I'm confused.
-I want so badly to make music. For the first time I think I might be able to. I can hear tunes in my head notes, words everything, but I cannot mimic them or put them on paper so it's useless.
-I love how my dad is such a little kid, I don't have many bonding moments with him, but when I do the both of us are usually about to pee our pants from laughter. That or we talk through the dog, but he isn't here anymore so our conversations have decreased monumentally.
-I decided that I should really get back to books. They are so useful.
-Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin.
-This is the most beautiful fall I have ever seen. It is a shame that we get sick of seasons after a while, because when they begin they are so...something. First snow, first blossoms, first run through the sprinkler, first leaf to fall. This is corny, but whatever.
-Family trips decrease the distance, but someone is always left out. The best we can hope for is 3/4.
I think that is all I can really say today.
Oh and Ray, you are a wonderfully, beautiful, talented person. I hope you like my post.
Zoe
Where is this going? I want it to go somewhere. I think. I'm confused.
-I want so badly to make music. For the first time I think I might be able to. I can hear tunes in my head notes, words everything, but I cannot mimic them or put them on paper so it's useless.
-I love how my dad is such a little kid, I don't have many bonding moments with him, but when I do the both of us are usually about to pee our pants from laughter. That or we talk through the dog, but he isn't here anymore so our conversations have decreased monumentally.
-I decided that I should really get back to books. They are so useful.
-Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin.
-This is the most beautiful fall I have ever seen. It is a shame that we get sick of seasons after a while, because when they begin they are so...something. First snow, first blossoms, first run through the sprinkler, first leaf to fall. This is corny, but whatever.
-Family trips decrease the distance, but someone is always left out. The best we can hope for is 3/4.
I think that is all I can really say today.
Oh and Ray, you are a wonderfully, beautiful, talented person. I hope you like my post.
Zoe
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
bad timing is the best timing.
I feel like this was the wrong time to start a blog, I had much more to write last year. It may have helped me to think that someone was reading it, but then again probably not. I am glad I kept my secret to myself for the summer.
So I read postsecret and I have read many that say just getting it off your chest is so relieving, but I never understood why. Every time I told someone a secret it never helped, but that was because I told the wrong people at the wrong time. I told them because I felt like they deserved to know not because I wanted them to know.
It really is surprising how much better I feel now that I told you, and I know that I am making a huge deal out of this, but it means so much to me.
I am back to myself. My only problems now are stress (mostly from procrastination) and guilt. That is exactly how I am supposed to feel, those two problems have burdened me my entire life, and now they are my only problems. It is such a great feeling.
I know I am feeling great now, and it really does feel like it is going to last, but I am afraid of the step backwards. "Three steps forward, one step back," that is the real reason I dont want to drink, I am afraid of how it will effect me. I know how it effected me before and I need to be completely stable before I try it again.
I hope you understand.
Okay now it is time for less serious stuff.
-Mr. Little is really "irkin'" me as Patrice would say. I know he isnt doing anything imparticular, I just have no more patience for his nonsense. I cant wait until I am done with his class.
-I am back to wishing for a pause button. I just want a break from the pressure. I know most of it is my own fault, and I am probably not going to even try and fix it but I just feel like a break would be nice. I need to get outside, and I need to move, I havent done a lot of that lately.
-It's supposed to snow tomorrow. I think I will wear my boots.
-Mr. Austin said he would spot me on a backhandspring. I am so excited, I miss gymnastics and diving. If only sports could be played for fun instead of competition. I think I would actually try harder if I knew it was just for fun.
-Ray and I are super tight at the moment, and I know you dont like it, but it is so good for me. We have fun, and I am actually happy. I hope we dont break apart.
I think that is all I am going to say today. I should get back to typing up my bio homework.
Zoe
So I read postsecret and I have read many that say just getting it off your chest is so relieving, but I never understood why. Every time I told someone a secret it never helped, but that was because I told the wrong people at the wrong time. I told them because I felt like they deserved to know not because I wanted them to know.
It really is surprising how much better I feel now that I told you, and I know that I am making a huge deal out of this, but it means so much to me.
I am back to myself. My only problems now are stress (mostly from procrastination) and guilt. That is exactly how I am supposed to feel, those two problems have burdened me my entire life, and now they are my only problems. It is such a great feeling.
I know I am feeling great now, and it really does feel like it is going to last, but I am afraid of the step backwards. "Three steps forward, one step back," that is the real reason I dont want to drink, I am afraid of how it will effect me. I know how it effected me before and I need to be completely stable before I try it again.
I hope you understand.
Okay now it is time for less serious stuff.
-Mr. Little is really "irkin'" me as Patrice would say. I know he isnt doing anything imparticular, I just have no more patience for his nonsense. I cant wait until I am done with his class.
-I am back to wishing for a pause button. I just want a break from the pressure. I know most of it is my own fault, and I am probably not going to even try and fix it but I just feel like a break would be nice. I need to get outside, and I need to move, I havent done a lot of that lately.
-It's supposed to snow tomorrow. I think I will wear my boots.
-Mr. Austin said he would spot me on a backhandspring. I am so excited, I miss gymnastics and diving. If only sports could be played for fun instead of competition. I think I would actually try harder if I knew it was just for fun.
-Ray and I are super tight at the moment, and I know you dont like it, but it is so good for me. We have fun, and I am actually happy. I hope we dont break apart.
I think that is all I am going to say today. I should get back to typing up my bio homework.
Zoe
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
that was easy.
so I told you. and you were so good about it, not like when I told her, she looked at me and I know she still thinks about it. But, you know more than anyone. and I know it is really stupid, but thanks. Thanks for listening.
To you, you who can ruin my life. Why?
To those of you pansies and to those of you self centered brats. Let it go. Your fine. someone cares, but not everyone so find that someone and tell them. Not everyone.
Today was a day.
Zoe
To you, you who can ruin my life. Why?
To those of you pansies and to those of you self centered brats. Let it go. Your fine. someone cares, but not everyone so find that someone and tell them. Not everyone.
Today was a day.
Zoe
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
This was the Ultimate!
I cannot remember the last time I was this happy. It is so genuine, and it is the best feeling.
I hope this lasts.
I don't even understand how I am so happy, just am. This was the perfect birthday, thank you.
One more thing that has been on my mind:
I just wanted to know how you cannot see that we were meant to be together. But i guess your too hung up on being a guy. When you are ready to forget that, let me know.
I hope this lasts.
I don't even understand how I am so happy, just am. This was the perfect birthday, thank you.
One more thing that has been on my mind:
I just wanted to know how you cannot see that we were meant to be together. But i guess your too hung up on being a guy. When you are ready to forget that, let me know.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Postponned!
I decided to postpone my birthday until my birthday party because today sucked. It wasn't even that everybody forgot my birthday (excluding a few) it just didn't feel like any special day, other than the fact it was '80's day. Really, if it wasn't my birthday today would have been a bad day, instead it was just a bad birthday. Oh well. I got to watch Princess Mononoke, which counteracted stuff.
People are difficult to deal with, and my last post was really grammatically incorrect.
That's All Folks!
Zoe
People are difficult to deal with, and my last post was really grammatically incorrect.
That's All Folks!
Zoe
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sheep don't hop over fences.
I can't sleep.
My parents have always said I am a great sleeper, but learning about sleep in health I think I am actually an awful sleeper. The reason I can fall asleep anywhere is because I really need the sleep, and when your body really needs it, it will not let you say no.
Although I have always been a sleepy person, I just need more sleep than the average person, which sucks because no one gets that I need sleep and everyone gets mad when I decide not to do something because I am tired. Or if they call and I am asleep.
I often wish, especially last year, that there is some disease explaining why I am like this and I can tell all of my friends and teachers and they would be a little more understanding. Well if I told them they would only think I was making it up, so I would have let them find out somehow, but it doesn't matter because I have no excuse to be this way. I wish that I could be like Albert Einstein and sleep when I am dead, but I am burdened with this awful exhaustion.
Referring back to my earlier comment, I can't sleep. Not because I am not tired, because I start to fall asleep on my homework most nights. The problem is as soon as I decide "Okay that's it, I'm going to bed." I remember my grades, and how I need to get up early tomorrow, and that I don't have my lines memorized and I lie awake for an hour worrying. Of course I am still taking my afternoon naps, I can't through a day without them. It's the only real time I can sleep.
Wow that was a lot to say about a small topic.
My eyes are starting to sting so I think I might just go to sleep. Oh wait I can't I have more AP work than I can handle.
ugh.
Zoe
My parents have always said I am a great sleeper, but learning about sleep in health I think I am actually an awful sleeper. The reason I can fall asleep anywhere is because I really need the sleep, and when your body really needs it, it will not let you say no.
Although I have always been a sleepy person, I just need more sleep than the average person, which sucks because no one gets that I need sleep and everyone gets mad when I decide not to do something because I am tired. Or if they call and I am asleep.
I often wish, especially last year, that there is some disease explaining why I am like this and I can tell all of my friends and teachers and they would be a little more understanding. Well if I told them they would only think I was making it up, so I would have let them find out somehow, but it doesn't matter because I have no excuse to be this way. I wish that I could be like Albert Einstein and sleep when I am dead, but I am burdened with this awful exhaustion.
Referring back to my earlier comment, I can't sleep. Not because I am not tired, because I start to fall asleep on my homework most nights. The problem is as soon as I decide "Okay that's it, I'm going to bed." I remember my grades, and how I need to get up early tomorrow, and that I don't have my lines memorized and I lie awake for an hour worrying. Of course I am still taking my afternoon naps, I can't through a day without them. It's the only real time I can sleep.
Wow that was a lot to say about a small topic.
My eyes are starting to sting so I think I might just go to sleep. Oh wait I can't I have more AP work than I can handle.
ugh.
Zoe
Monday, October 5, 2009
Mission Impossible: College
Lately I can't make it through a night without a breakdown. Fortunately they are regular breakdowns from stress, but this is getting ridiculous. It is always over little things like "I can't do this," "I miss Dino," "I'm not going to get into college," etc.
Tonight college was the issue; my mom asked me to name all the things I wanted to accomplish this year outside of school. The list was long and I may die by the end of the year, but it is reasonable. Of course she didn’t think so and she said that her main concern is my health mental and physical. Which made me tear up because I thought of the survey I filled out for Sheila Johnson and how she might find out that I am not mentally sound and that would kill me because it would kill her.
Then she continued to tell me that the only thing colleges really cared about were grades. Which made a couple tears fall out of my eyes because the reason I take so many extracurricular courses is because I don’t have the grades colleges want. Well I am sure OCC and SU would be fine with my average, but the schools I like will throw me to the curb. If I really think about it my grades are fine, but I never feel like I am smart. It is probably because I have a genius for a brother, any college would be lucky to have him. Maybe it is because since day one he has made it is duty to prove me wrong. Maybe it is because I am the youngest in the household, and I am far behind the on dinner conversations. I always think that I can catch up, but I am just not as smart as my brother, or my mom.
Anyway my mom then reassured me that I was smart, I guess she could tell what I was thinking. She told me that the whole reason we are going through with this 504 crap is so that my test grades can reflect how much I really know. I just looked at her, because yes I may do well in school, I may know certain things, but I am not smart. I am not the top of my class. I bet the only thing this testing business is going to prove is that I am crazy and stupid, a disappointment as a daughter.
Tonight college was the issue; my mom asked me to name all the things I wanted to accomplish this year outside of school. The list was long and I may die by the end of the year, but it is reasonable. Of course she didn’t think so and she said that her main concern is my health mental and physical. Which made me tear up because I thought of the survey I filled out for Sheila Johnson and how she might find out that I am not mentally sound and that would kill me because it would kill her.
Then she continued to tell me that the only thing colleges really cared about were grades. Which made a couple tears fall out of my eyes because the reason I take so many extracurricular courses is because I don’t have the grades colleges want. Well I am sure OCC and SU would be fine with my average, but the schools I like will throw me to the curb. If I really think about it my grades are fine, but I never feel like I am smart. It is probably because I have a genius for a brother, any college would be lucky to have him. Maybe it is because since day one he has made it is duty to prove me wrong. Maybe it is because I am the youngest in the household, and I am far behind the on dinner conversations. I always think that I can catch up, but I am just not as smart as my brother, or my mom.
Anyway my mom then reassured me that I was smart, I guess she could tell what I was thinking. She told me that the whole reason we are going through with this 504 crap is so that my test grades can reflect how much I really know. I just looked at her, because yes I may do well in school, I may know certain things, but I am not smart. I am not the top of my class. I bet the only thing this testing business is going to prove is that I am crazy and stupid, a disappointment as a daughter.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Test Run
Soooooo... here we are. creating a blog instead of doing homework.
I assume that is how most blogs are born, made for procrastination to keep away from something you should be doing, but you just aren't. and that leaves us with this soon to be blog. TaDaa!
I assume that is how most blogs are born, made for procrastination to keep away from something you should be doing, but you just aren't. and that leaves us with this soon to be blog. TaDaa!
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