Lately I can't make it through a night without a breakdown. Fortunately they are regular breakdowns from stress, but this is getting ridiculous. It is always over little things like "I can't do this," "I miss Dino," "I'm not going to get into college," etc.
Tonight college was the issue; my mom asked me to name all the things I wanted to accomplish this year outside of school. The list was long and I may die by the end of the year, but it is reasonable. Of course she didn’t think so and she said that her main concern is my health mental and physical. Which made me tear up because I thought of the survey I filled out for Sheila Johnson and how she might find out that I am not mentally sound and that would kill me because it would kill her.
Then she continued to tell me that the only thing colleges really cared about were grades. Which made a couple tears fall out of my eyes because the reason I take so many extracurricular courses is because I don’t have the grades colleges want. Well I am sure OCC and SU would be fine with my average, but the schools I like will throw me to the curb. If I really think about it my grades are fine, but I never feel like I am smart. It is probably because I have a genius for a brother, any college would be lucky to have him. Maybe it is because since day one he has made it is duty to prove me wrong. Maybe it is because I am the youngest in the household, and I am far behind the on dinner conversations. I always think that I can catch up, but I am just not as smart as my brother, or my mom.
Anyway my mom then reassured me that I was smart, I guess she could tell what I was thinking. She told me that the whole reason we are going through with this 504 crap is so that my test grades can reflect how much I really know. I just looked at her, because yes I may do well in school, I may know certain things, but I am not smart. I am not the top of my class. I bet the only thing this testing business is going to prove is that I am crazy and stupid, a disappointment as a daughter.
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oh, please, you'll be fine. all the colleges will want you.
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