this day does not exist.

this cannot happen. it did not happen. i dont believe it. i dont want to believe it. i do beleive it, but i dont know how.

Biology is eye opening.

"We live to live, what other reason is there?" -ZRGM

help me out said the minnow to the trout

my body has become something i want to keep hidden. scars and marks. i can laugh about the marks, but the scars wont fade.

i always wanted to have smooth clean beautiful skin, but i think i like the skin i have better, it tells a much better story.

i am so comfortable around you. i have never been that comfortable before.

today i just wanted to spend time alone sketching for the whole day, but i didn't do that. i must have seemed so vacant. i just needed a day alone without anyone able to see or hear me. but that doesn't happen in cities, even small ones.

lately i have just felt so guilty, i dont even have a reason, but i feel so guilty. im sorry mommy.

i figured out that one of the reasons i got out of control is because we didn't have any animals in the house. so the distance between us grew and there were no friends.

this isn't a very happy post so far.

kittens!

thats much better.

-zoe

And we listened to Karen O.

i dunno how you feel about that.



but i was very okay with it.








but if you weren't it wont happen again.

MAX RECORDS WENT TO ED SMITH!

i think i annoyed you today.

this blog is stupid.

Vertigo.

-Crazy movie. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight due to Alfred Hitchcock's pure genius.


Where is this going? I want it to go somewhere. I think. I'm confused.


-I want so badly to make music. For the first time I think I might be able to. I can hear tunes in my head notes, words everything, but I cannot mimic them or put them on paper so it's useless.

-I love how my dad is such a little kid, I don't have many bonding moments with him, but when I do the both of us are usually about to pee our pants from laughter. That or we talk through the dog, but he isn't here anymore so our conversations have decreased monumentally.

-I decided that I should really get back to books. They are so useful.

-Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin.

-This is the most beautiful fall I have ever seen. It is a shame that we get sick of seasons after a while, because when they begin they are so...something. First snow, first blossoms, first run through the sprinkler, first leaf to fall. This is corny, but whatever.

-Family trips decrease the distance, but someone is always left out. The best we can hope for is 3/4.


I think that is all I can really say today.

Oh and Ray, you are a wonderfully, beautiful, talented person. I hope you like my post.

Zoe

one step back.

im sorry.












that didnt last long.

bad timing is the best timing.

I feel like this was the wrong time to start a blog, I had much more to write last year. It may have helped me to think that someone was reading it, but then again probably not. I am glad I kept my secret to myself for the summer.

So I read postsecret and I have read many that say just getting it off your chest is so relieving, but I never understood why. Every time I told someone a secret it never helped, but that was because I told the wrong people at the wrong time. I told them because I felt like they deserved to know not because I wanted them to know.

It really is surprising how much better I feel now that I told you, and I know that I am making a huge deal out of this, but it means so much to me.

I am back to myself. My only problems now are stress (mostly from procrastination) and guilt. That is exactly how I am supposed to feel, those two problems have burdened me my entire life, and now they are my only problems. It is such a great feeling.

I know I am feeling great now, and it really does feel like it is going to last, but I am afraid of the step backwards. "Three steps forward, one step back," that is the real reason I dont want to drink, I am afraid of how it will effect me. I know how it effected me before and I need to be completely stable before I try it again.

I hope you understand.

Okay now it is time for less serious stuff.

-Mr. Little is really "irkin'" me as Patrice would say. I know he isnt doing anything imparticular, I just have no more patience for his nonsense. I cant wait until I am done with his class.

-I am back to wishing for a pause button. I just want a break from the pressure. I know most of it is my own fault, and I am probably not going to even try and fix it but I just feel like a break would be nice. I need to get outside, and I need to move, I havent done a lot of that lately.

-It's supposed to snow tomorrow. I think I will wear my boots.

-Mr. Austin said he would spot me on a backhandspring. I am so excited, I miss gymnastics and diving. If only sports could be played for fun instead of competition. I think I would actually try harder if I knew it was just for fun.

-Ray and I are super tight at the moment, and I know you dont like it, but it is so good for me. We have fun, and I am actually happy. I hope we dont break apart.

I think that is all I am going to say today. I should get back to typing up my bio homework.
Zoe

that was easy.

so I told you. and you were so good about it, not like when I told her, she looked at me and I know she still thinks about it. But, you know more than anyone. and I know it is really stupid, but thanks. Thanks for listening.

To you, you who can ruin my life. Why?


To those of you pansies and to those of you self centered brats. Let it go. Your fine. someone cares, but not everyone so find that someone and tell them. Not everyone.


Today was a day.
Zoe

I am madly in love with Ray McAndrew

This was the Ultimate!

I cannot remember the last time I was this happy. It is so genuine, and it is the best feeling.

I hope this lasts.

I don't even understand how I am so happy, just am. This was the perfect birthday, thank you.


One more thing that has been on my mind:

I just wanted to know how you cannot see that we were meant to be together. But i guess your too hung up on being a guy. When you are ready to forget that, let me know.

Postponned!

I decided to postpone my birthday until my birthday party because today sucked. It wasn't even that everybody forgot my birthday (excluding a few) it just didn't feel like any special day, other than the fact it was '80's day. Really, if it wasn't my birthday today would have been a bad day, instead it was just a bad birthday. Oh well. I got to watch Princess Mononoke, which counteracted stuff.

People are difficult to deal with, and my last post was really grammatically incorrect.

That's All Folks!
Zoe

Sheep don't hop over fences.

I can't sleep.

My parents have always said I am a great sleeper, but learning about sleep in health I think I am actually an awful sleeper. The reason I can fall asleep anywhere is because I really need the sleep, and when your body really needs it, it will not let you say no.

Although I have always been a sleepy person, I just need more sleep than the average person, which sucks because no one gets that I need sleep and everyone gets mad when I decide not to do something because I am tired. Or if they call and I am asleep.

I often wish, especially last year, that there is some disease explaining why I am like this and I can tell all of my friends and teachers and they would be a little more understanding. Well if I told them they would only think I was making it up, so I would have let them find out somehow, but it doesn't matter because I have no excuse to be this way. I wish that I could be like Albert Einstein and sleep when I am dead, but I am burdened with this awful exhaustion.

Referring back to my earlier comment, I can't sleep. Not because I am not tired, because I start to fall asleep on my homework most nights. The problem is as soon as I decide "Okay that's it, I'm going to bed." I remember my grades, and how I need to get up early tomorrow, and that I don't have my lines memorized and I lie awake for an hour worrying. Of course I am still taking my afternoon naps, I can't through a day without them. It's the only real time I can sleep.

Wow that was a lot to say about a small topic.
My eyes are starting to sting so I think I might just go to sleep. Oh wait I can't I have more AP work than I can handle.

ugh.
Zoe

Mission Impossible: College

Lately I can't make it through a night without a breakdown. Fortunately they are regular breakdowns from stress, but this is getting ridiculous. It is always over little things like "I can't do this," "I miss Dino," "I'm not going to get into college," etc.

Tonight college was the issue; my mom asked me to name all the things I wanted to accomplish this year outside of school. The list was long and I may die by the end of the year, but it is reasonable. Of course she didn’t think so and she said that her main concern is my health mental and physical. Which made me tear up because I thought of the survey I filled out for Sheila Johnson and how she might find out that I am not mentally sound and that would kill me because it would kill her.

Then she continued to tell me that the only thing colleges really cared about were grades. Which made a couple tears fall out of my eyes because the reason I take so many extracurricular courses is because I don’t have the grades colleges want. Well I am sure OCC and SU would be fine with my average, but the schools I like will throw me to the curb. If I really think about it my grades are fine, but I never feel like I am smart. It is probably because I have a genius for a brother, any college would be lucky to have him. Maybe it is because since day one he has made it is duty to prove me wrong. Maybe it is because I am the youngest in the household, and I am far behind the on dinner conversations. I always think that I can catch up, but I am just not as smart as my brother, or my mom.

Anyway my mom then reassured me that I was smart, I guess she could tell what I was thinking. She told me that the whole reason we are going through with this 504 crap is so that my test grades can reflect how much I really know. I just looked at her, because yes I may do well in school, I may know certain things, but I am not smart. I am not the top of my class. I bet the only thing this testing business is going to prove is that I am crazy and stupid, a disappointment as a daughter.

Test Run

Soooooo... here we are. creating a blog instead of doing homework.
I assume that is how most blogs are born, made for procrastination to keep away from something you should be doing, but you just aren't. and that leaves us with this soon to be blog. TaDaa!